Winning
How important is it to win?
“My daughter got D grade in math!” she said happily. I had to make an effort to hide my surprise. I was stunned. I was wondering if I heard her right. I have never come across anyone who has no qualms in declaring the fact that her child fared badly in a test. She was nice enough to let me in and learn a little about her perspective. She said she was happy on account of the following reasons.
- Her daughter learnt what it is like to fare badly in a test on account of not working hard enough for it.
- She should not be scoring ‘A’s all the time as that success all the time would weaken her and she will handle failure miserably when she gets older.
- Her peers teased her for faring badly. She got a little upset but later took it in her stride and promised her mother that she will prove them wrong in the next test.
- Her best friend got a D. She felt happy that she could make her best friend less sad by getting a D herself. The mother was most happy for this reason. Her daughter could show empathy towards her best friend. That indeed is a beautiful trait.
It is so easy to get charged up and cheer for our children when they run a race. We want to be by their side, do whatever it takes to see them win. We may say that it is okay if you fail but what is important is that you tried. But tell me have you not had that bottom of the stomach low feeling when your child fails or loses? On the other hand when the child wins something, we feel so on top of the world. We feel so light. Some of us would not mind telling the whole world about it, even to strangers as a matter of fact. Case in point, recently a mother posted photos of her 7 year old with a medal on our gym group. No one knew the details, but there was so much celebration. Winning matters. It does not matter in what.
We all like to celebrate winning. It is what all of us want.
Yet life does not let us win all the time. How would it be like to win all the time? Top of the world yes. But we will lose empathy. We will look down upon others. It is impossible for all to win. It would be demotivating if that is made possible. Winning a prize would no longer be a big deal, if everyone walks away with a prize.
Winning is a big deal, simply because everyone can’t win. Someone has to lose. Law of nature perhaps? But no one wants to be the one to lose many times. If it happens frequently, the most obvious thing to do is to give up. It takes a lot of courage and will power to get back at it.
Tennis champion Serena Williams is portrayed as a symbol of will power in a Nike ad, with good reason. She did not reach the heights she did, just by winning all the time. She did have her share of losses in matches. She did have set backs in her personal life. But she came back strong.
It definitely wasn’t easy but she did it. That’s why she is admired. Her losses complete her and make her whole. Her losses allow her to gracefully accept victory each time it happens.
To quote her from USA Today-September 2012 soon after she beat rival Victoria Azarenka to take the singles title at the U.S. Open, she said,
It takes a lot of maturity to accept the possibility of losing when you are right at the top. That kind of maturity comes from losing at some point of time and not winning all the time.
As parents we so badly want our children to succeed at something we think is noble or great. We push them to succeed. But we forget to teach them to deal with failure. This mother did not scold her daughter looking at the D grade. She did not punish her. She calmly asked her if she wants to talk about why she thinks her grade came down. She listened to her daughter. The little girl after some thought said that she should have practiced more as she forgot the methodology and got confused. Mother and daughter then decided to come up with a better preparation strategy to do better next time. “If it works it would be great, if not we will figure out another way” she says.
